It all began with this little voice inside my head, "You're not good enough"...
FIRST PANIC ATTACK
I was 19, in college and dating someone who I had been with for a year at the time, we were out to dinner with his mom, dad, sister and brother. Everything was going fine externally, but this little voice in my head crept in and began saying, “you’re not good enough for this family...you’re never going to gain their approval...” I felt almost paralysed by my own thoughts. My body started to tense up, face flushed red, heart began to pound fiercely with no sign of stopping. Was I having a heart attack? What the hell is going on? Why am I doing this now, in front of them? Why? I excused myself from the table, went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Pupils were dilated, I felt like I had a fever, for a moment I thought maybe I’d even throw up? 5 agonizing minutes later while standing in the bathroom stall, my heart returned back to normal and the feeling of utter panic began to loosen its grip on my body. I returned to the table which literately felt like coming back from battle. No one noticed but me.
THREE DAYS LATER
I was preparing to give a speech in front of my marketing class. I wasn't out of the ordinary for me to get nervous before giving a presentation, which only seemed to happen in the beginning and once that was over, I could breathe and carry on through the rest. This time was different. This presentation was close to 30 minutes long, I had been working on it for weeks. Perfecting and rehearsed in front of the mirror, I was ready. I kicked it off with a strong opening and climbed through the initial stage fright, the stress of being in front of everyone subsided. 20 minutes in, the little voice returned, “you’re going to mess up...what IF you stumble on this next sentence....what IF you turn beat red in front of your classmates – heck, you even have friends in here....what IF you can’t speak and lose control…. right…now” I froze, it was back. My heart began to pound and unlike being at the dinner table, I couldn't simply leave in the middle of my presentation. The tight grip quickly ensued my entire my body - my mind - my voice, I stopped speaking. I looked down at my note cards to words that I couldn't make out anymore. What as I looking at? gibberish? I could no longer concentrate. I looked at my teacher who gave me a ‘come on’ gesture. I took a deep breath and reminded myself, this will soon be over. Push through. I set my note cards down and spoke from my rehearsed memory. I have no idea what came from my mouth for the next 10 minutes, I was on autopilot. There, I’m done, I finished. I excused myself right after the presentation. I broke out in tears on the way to the bathroom. What was going on with me? ....Why?
From then on, anxiety stamped it’s evil blueprint into my subconscious mind and for a long time, there it stayed.
The frightened feeling of ‘when will the voice return’ haunted me day in and day out. I was simply afraid of being afraid. In college, it was easy to deal with the stress, I drank. I could deal with the numbing effects of alcohol, it shut the voice up. I gained weight (a lot) and neglected to listen to what my body and mind really needed. In addition, the multiple breakups from my on and off again boyfriend lead me to binge-eat my feelings. It was a rollercoaster ride that crescendoed after 3 and half years. There has to be a resolution...
WELCOME CHANGE
The morning after the break up, I headed for a salon with a picture, I wanted DARK hair. I wanted to make a statement to myself that I was leaving this old lifestyle behind. I wanted change so badly right then and there. I wanted to SEE that change was possible becuase there wasn't time to look back and dwell in my negativity anymore. I went in that day selected the color and said, YEP! Lets do it.
Looking back this was such an exhilierating thing to do, but as I saw my reflection, I felt my whole demeanor change. I was ready to move forward.
RESEARCH
I googled every sort of holistic treatment for anxiety and panic attacks one couple imagine. I didn't want to numb my problems with medication, I needed to address the real root cause. I found tools along the way the slowly broke down the layers.
FITNESS
Time and time again I would read the benefits associated around working out. I started well over two years ago and made it a non-negotiable to at least move my body 30/40 minutes per day. Upon doing this, I noticed the negative energy slowly releasing from my muscles. I even became a morning fitness junkie.
FOOD
This is when I truly discovered this thing called, "clean eating". I sign up for grocery store tours, met with nutritionist at the gym, joined clean eating blogs, bought books and FILLED my tank with clean eating knowledge. I implemented a completely new lifestyle of eating and wouldnt you know, I slowly noticed that the anxiety and panic was becoming few and far between.
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
I dove in deep to self help books. Learning my triggers and bringing fears to the surface. One afternoon while reading, Girl Boss a sudden wave of energy flew through my veins, I woke the hell up! This had happened one other time (explained below) and I knew then that in order to move forward, I needed to get out of my OWN way. I was blocking so many things in my life that were based on fear.... fear of the panic attack.
MIND
Enter, Meditation. Never in a million years would I think sitting on a pillow in the corner of my room would have such profound abilities to change my mind. My first Google search for stress relief and guided meditation, Gabrielle Bernstein popped up. THANK YOU UNIVERSE for Gabby! I began by doing one guided meditation from Gabby per night. It was hard at first to concentrate. I felt the need to ‘think’ while in meditation but I slowly let the thoughts fade and the real work began. You’ll notice there’s a lot of reference to Meditation on my blog, that’s how strongly I believe in this practice and hope it can help others. By meditating for 10 minutes a day, you’re increasing the grey matter in your brain. Sound crazy?
Helpful articles
My incredible experience with meditation happened over 5 years ago, the full post can be read here.
It’s difficult to be so open about my struggle with anxiety - but I hope this reaches people whom like myself, needed to be awakened. I’m not perfect and this journey has only begun. Stay with me and check back when you can for helpful tips and tricks.
xo, The Bohemian Blonde
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